WINTERPORT, MAINE — In an move that has sent literal tidal waves from Downeast to Upwest, New Hampshire-born man, Doug Roberts, has been officially recognized as a ‘Native Mainer’ by the Maine Association of Authentic Mainers (MAAM). This unprecedented decision marks the first time a non-native has been honored with such a cherished status, leading to a mix of support, amusement, and outright indignation among Maine locals.
Roberts, who moved to Maine in his late teens, has seamlessly woven himself into the fabric of Maine life. He’s known for his authentic Downeast accent, so convincing that even the most seasoned lobstermen do a double-take. “I’ve had folks argue with me that I was born on a fishing boat off the coast of Boothbay Harbor,” chuckled Roberts, whose New Hampshire roots have long been overshadowed by his embodiment of Maine life.
The controversy began when MAAM, a self-appointed guardian of Maine’s cultural heritage, announced their decision at a globally broadcast press conference in Winterport’s Town Hall. ‘We’ve seen enough,’ declared MAAM president Ethel MacDonald, donned in iconic flannel. ‘Doug’s ability to give tourists a hard time while simultaneously helping them directions to the best places to get seafood are among the best in Maine. His love for the woods, the water, community, local events, and so much more has earned him the right to be called a Native Mainer.’
The decision has sparked a fierce debate across the state. ‘Jeezum Crow! Next thing you know, they’ll be letting people from Massachusetts in,’ grumbled lifelong Mainer, Jed Collins, from his rocking chair in Newport. We also caught an earful from Jed’s neighbor Will Fussman. ‘Are you friggin’ kiddin’ me? He wasn’t even born here. Case closed!’ proclaimed Fussman. Meanwhile, Roberts’s neighbors in Waldo County and beyond, in true Maine fashion have planned a celebratory parade in his honor, featuring a float made from a decommissioned sailboat featuring bumpers made of recycled bean boot material.
Governor Mills, when asked for comment, quipped, ‘Well, if he’s weathered our seasons for so long and knows how to pronounce ‘scallops’ correctly, I might just invite him for a nice seafood dinner and a whoopie pie at the Blaine House.’
Despite the uproar, Roberts remains humble about his newfound native Mainer status. ‘I’m just lucky to be here,’ he said, sporting a chamois shirt and a L.L. Bean tote bag. ‘It’s a great place to live, it’s a great place to raise kids, and it’s a great place to call home.’
As for Roberts, he’s celebrating his ‘Native Mainer’ status in the most fitting way possible – by heading out for a basket of fried clams, as he puts it, ‘the ones with the big bedaines.’ This classic Maine delicacy, beloved for its juicy, oversized belly, symbolizes Roberts’ deep immersion into Maine’s culinary culture. ‘Nothing says Maine like a belly full of fried clams with Cains tartar sauce and the salty sea breeze,’ Roberts mused, as he planned to enjoy his feast at a hidden gem of a seafood shack along the rugged coastline, further cementing his place in the hearts of Mainers.
