I should have bought it, when I saw it at Marden’s… or should I have?
WATERVILLE, Maine — In a surprise development that has sent chilling waves through the Great State of Maine, theoretical physicists and hardened bargain hunters have teamed up to unravel one of the greatest mysteries in local retail shopping: For those Marden’s deals you passed on… what would happen if you had actually bought it when you saw it at Marden’s?
Researchers from the University of Maine’s Department of Theoretical Physics, in collaboration with a team of seasoned Marden’s shoppers, have reportedly applied advanced principles of quantum mechanics and the multi-universe theory to simulate alternate realities, all in the hope of answering this existential question.
“At first glance, one might assume that the main difference between our current universe and the alternate ‘I-bought-it’ universe is simply the ownership of a discounted item,” explained Dr. Kyle Steinmann, lead physicist on the project. “But our simulation reveals much more complex consequences.”
The team’s highly sophisticated quantum computer simulations have revealed a cascade of unexpected outcomes. In one scenario, purchasing a discounted, one-of-a-kind lobster-shaped neon lamp that glows a reddish-white color led to a series of events culminating in a larger-than-life, town-wide Lobster Festival, boosting local tourism and single-handedly reviving the area’s economy.
In another instance, buying that half-priced, off-brand snow blower just before an unexpected blizzard resulted in the owner becoming a local hero, rescuing trapped neighbors and even helping to deliver a baby in a snowbound car.
“This really hits home that there’s more to regret than just missing out on a good deal,” said seasoned Marden’s shopper and project consultant, Patty Jeffries. “It’s about the potential ripple effect throughout our communities.”
However, not all simulated outcomes were so positive. In one alternate reality, buying that heavily discounted moose head led to a surprising uptick in home burglaries, as the item became a coveted symbol of status.
Despite the varying outcomes, the researchers were united in their conclusion: “The next time you’re wandering through Marden’s and spot a deal, don’t hesitate. You might just alter the fabric of the universe.”
As news of the research spread, locals have been left wondering, with a sense of whimsical dread, what their own alternate universe might look like. Meanwhile, at Marden’s, business has been booming.
In response to the study, Marden’s CEO, Rebel N. Price, stated, “Our customers have always known we offer more than just bargain prices. Who knew we were also selling alternate realities?”
