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AUGUSTA, MAINE — In what experts are calling an unexpected revelation in public health and consumer preference, a recent statewide survey conducted by the Maine Bureau of Statistics has discovered that an overwhelming majority of Mainers would choose Dunkin’ Donuts over oxygen if given a choice.
The survey, which polled 10,000 residents from Kittery to Caribou, found that 90.3% of respondents expressed a preference for their daily dose of Dunkin’ over the basic necessity of breathing air. “It’s really a no-brainer,” said Bob Almquist, a lifelong Mainer and survey participant. “I mean, you can live without air for a few minutes, but a morning without Dunkin’? That’s unthinkable.”
Scientists are puzzled by the findings, but local culture experts aren’t surprised. “Dunkin’ has been a staple of Maine life since the first shop opened here. It’s ingrained in every Mainer’s DNA,” explained Dr. Jenna Marbles, a professor of Cultural Anthropology at the University of Southern Maine. “Our studies show that exposure to Dunkin’ increases endorphins and overall life satisfaction more significantly than oxygen ever could.”
The poll also explored which Dunkin’ essentials Mainers would cling to in a theoretical oxygen-scarce apocalypse. The top picks were a large hot coffee (regular, two sugars), followed closely by a box of Munchkins, and the esteemed Boston Cream Donut.
Governor Janet Mills commented on the survey results during a press briefing at the state capitol, which coincidentally had just installed a new Dunkin’ store in its lobby. “As a proud Mainer, I’ve always known coffee runs deeper than blood in our veins. This survey just confirms it. We might need to rethink our public health strategies to include coffee breaks, courtesy of Dunkin’.”
In response to the poll, emergency services across the state are considering replacing oxygen masks with coffee dispensers. “In Maine, we prepare for real emergencies. Being without Dunkin’ is a real emergency,” stated the director of Maine’s Emergency Services.
While the rest of the country might find these preferences bizarre, for Mainers, it’s just another day in the state where the sun rises first and the coffee brews even earlier.
