May 23, 2024
Uncle Mikes at a pub

WATERVILLE, MAINE — Newly discovered data has surprised nearly every resident of the northeastern-most state; a new study funded by the good taxpayers of Maine has unearthed a startling fact: a whopping 60% of Mainers have an Uncle Mike. This groundbreaking research, conducted by the sociologists at Colby College in Waterville, has left many in the state both bewildered and genuinely intrigued.

The study, which cost Maine taxpayers a sum in the tens of millions — that many argue could have been allocated to state-wide infrastructure or improving marine-life habitats, involved extensive interviews, family tree analyses, and social media data mining. “It was imperative to get to the bottom of this,” stated lead researcher Dr. Sarah O’Connor, “After all, the people of Maine paid for it, quite literally.”

As Mainers digest this use of their hard-earned tax dollars, the findings continue to ripple across the state. From Portland to Presque Isle, citizens are coming to terms with the ubiquity of Uncle Mikes. “I always thought it was just my family,” mused David Allen of Bangor. “But to think that my tax dollars helped confirm this… well, it’s unexpected, that’s for sure.”

The study also revealed that the typical ‘Uncle Mike’ in Maine enjoys camping, has a penchant for sweatshirts, and tells the same three stories at every family gathering. “This is crucial sociological data,” insisted Dr. O’Connor. “Sure, we could have used the taxpayer funds to study climate change impacts on Maine’s fisheries, but wouldn’t you rather know about Uncle Mike?”

At Colby College, students have mixed feelings about the institution’s latest claim to fame. “I used to brag about our environmental science program,” shared a sophomore, who wished to remain anonymous. “Now, I’m just the guy from the Uncle Mike college.”

The report has sparked a statewide conversation about the allocation of taxpayer funds for academic research. “Next, they’ll be telling us how many Mainers have a cousin named Heather,” joked a Waterville barista.

As for practical applications of the research, Dr. O’Connor suggests the findings could revolutionize Maine’s family reunion planning industry. “Think about it, knowing the probability of having an Uncle Mike in attendance? That’s invaluable information.”

As the news spreads, Mainers are left with more questions than answers. How many taxpayer-funded studies are out there? What other familial revelations await discovery? And, perhaps most pressing, do most of us really have an Uncle Mike?

In the meantime, Uncle Mikes across Northern New England are reportedly basking in their newfound fame, with many planning to celebrate with a cool bottle of Labatt Blue pilsner – another fine choice of your Uncle Mike and mine.