May 23, 2024
Woman staring into an hourglass

ORONO, MAINE — In a groundbreaking study that has left the academic world both baffled and bemused, a team of timeologists at the University of Maine has officially declared this January as the longest January ever recorded in human history.

The team, led by the esteemed Professor Jamie Horologe, utilized an array of oversized clocks, calendars, and a proprietary time-measuring device known as the ‘Chrono-Expandometer.’ According to their findings, January is on track to last approximately 47 days, 13 hours, and 29 minutes, shattering all previous records.

“We’ve always felt that January dragged on, but this is the first empirical evidence proving it’s more than just a feeling,” stated Professor Horologe, looking visibly exhausted from his temporal calculations. “It appears that the combination of post-holiday blues, atypical weather, and the sheer monotony of winter contributed to this unprecedented temporal dilation.” [*atypical weather]

The research, which began as a modest project to study seasonal time perception, quickly escalated into a full-blown temporal investigation as January seemed to stretch endlessly. “We initially thought our instruments were faulty,” admitted Dr. Sandy Thyme, another researcher on the team, “but after recalibration and cross-checking with other institutions, the results were consistent. January just wouldn’t end!”

The phenomenon has had a ripple effect across Maine, with citizens reporting a range of experiences from prolonged bouts of cabin fever to an inexplicable increase in their consumption of comfort food. Local businesses reported a surge in sales of calendars and watches, as confused Mainers attempted to keep track of the never-ending month.

As for the practical implications of this temporal anomaly, Professor Horologe suggested that Mainers might consider adopting a more flexible approach to their New Year’s resolutions. “Given that January was nearly twice as long, we believe there should be no guilt in extending resolution deadlines,” he quipped. The UMaine Timeology Department has release an official press release backing that quote.

While the study has yet to undergo peer review, it has already sparked interest worldwide, with timeologists from as far as Greenwich, England, often considered the birthplace of modern time, requesting data to conduct their own investigations. Until then, Mainers and the rest of the world can only wonder what February might hold in store.