May 23, 2024
Gluten-Free Moxie Soda

LISBON FALLS, ME — In a move that has left many Mainers scratching their heads, the iconic soda brand Moxie has announced the launch of its new gluten-free version, aptly named ‘Moxie Gluten-Free.’ The beloved bitter beverage, also going by Moxie GF, which has never actually contained gluten, is now joining the ranks of products catering to the latest health trends, despite no one asking for it.

“Moxie has always been ahead of its time,” declared company spokesperson, April Grant, at a press conference in Lisbon Falls. “We are proud to offer our loyal customers the same robust flavor they love, now with a ‘Gluten-Free’ label that allows them to pay twice as much for essentially the same experience.”

The announcement comes amidst a growing demand for gluten-free products, a market trend that Moxie has seized despite the beverage’s inherently gluten-free ingredients. “We realized that our consumers enjoy the thrill of consuming something that is labeled gluten-free,” continued Grant. “So, we thought, why not indulge them?”

The new ‘Moxie Gluten-Free’ will sport an updated logo and packaging, featuring a large, bold ‘GF’ symbol that is sure to stand out on shelves. Inside, the soda remains unchanged, a detail that Moxie believes will only enhance the drinking experience. “It’s the placebo effect,” Grant stated. “Drinkers can now feel healthier with every sip of Moxie Free, even though it’s the same Moxie they’ve always enjoyed.”

Reactions to the announcement have ranged from bemusement to outright amusement. Local resident, Tony Bouchard, offered his thoughts: “Moxie’s been around since my great-grandpa’s days, and it’s always been gluten-free. But sure, slap a new label on it and charge me more. I’ll buy it for the nostalgia.”

Health experts have weighed in, reminding the public that Moxie, like all sodas, was never a source of gluten. “This is a marketing genius,” said nutritionist Sarah Almquist. “Moxie has managed to create buzz around a non-issue. It’s quite the strategy.”

As Moxie prepares to distribute ‘Moxie Gluten-Free’ across Maine, New England, and The Maritimes, the company is already stirring the pot with talks of new concoctions. “Get ready for our ‘Plant-Based Moxie’ that keeps the timeless flavor, and brace yourself for ‘Organic Plant-Based Moxie,’ crafted for the green-hearted,” teased Grant. “Our vision is to cultivate a Moxie that aligns with the plant-based revolution, sprouting a new leaf in our storied legacy!”