Portland and South Portland Announce Divisive Expansion: Say Hello to North, East, and West Portland

In a move that has left locals scratching their heads and cartographers scrambling to update their maps, the cities of Portland and South Portland have announced plans to expand their municipalities by introducing three new subdivisions: North, East, and West Portland.

City officials revealed the ambitious plan in a press conference last week, where they explained that the expansion was necessary to accommodate the growing population and confusion surrounding the already-existing Portland and South Portland divide. According to the officials, the new subdivisions will be more accurately named based on their geographical locations.

“We understand that having two cities named Portland has caused confusion in the past,” said Portland Mayor Rosalyn Portamer. “We believe that by adding three more Portlands, we can reduce confusion by making it absolutely clear which direction you’re heading in.”

The response from the public has been mixed, with some residents excited about the growth and potential new opportunities, while others worry about the inevitable confusion that will come with having a total of six Portlands, which includes the existing little-known New Portland to the north.

“I can barely tell people which Portland I live in now,” said lifelong Portland resident Cedric Smithston. “I can’t imagine trying to explain to someone that I live in East Portland, but not the East part of Portland.”

The expansion plan will involve the construction of new housing developments, parks, and commercial areas, as well as a state-of-the-art monorail system to connect all six Portlands, even New Portland, which is actually closer to Bangor than it is to the other Portlands. The monorail, dubbed the “Portland Express,” will be color-coded for easy navigation.

“The beauty of the Portland Express is that if you get on the wrong train, you’ll still end up in Portland,” Mayor Portamer explained.

Despite concerns from some residents, city officials are confident that the expansion plan will ultimately benefit the region and promote economic growth.

“We’re excited to welcome North, East, and West Portland to the family,” said South Portland Mayor Tim Whittaker. “Together, we’ll create a stronger, more united Portland, with just a touch of directional confusion.”

Only time will tell how the new Portlands will fare, but one thing is for certain: residents and visitors alike will need to pay close attention to their compasses and GPS devices in the coming years.