May 23, 2024
Maine School Bus

ORLANDO, Florida — In an audacious move that has left theme park enthusiasts gobsmacked, Walt Disney World has unveiled plans to replace its iconic Tower of Terror with a fresh, hyper-realistic attraction: a bone-rattling Maine school bus ride.

Dubbed “Backwoods Bus Run: Maine Morning Misery,” the ride promises to deliver the heart-stopping experience of navigating twisty, turny, hilly, tree-lined back roads of Hancock County, Maine while also dealing with an eclectic mix of unruly Maine schoolkids and a beleaguered bus driver at their wit’s end.

“Guests have loved the paranormal thrills of the Tower of Terror,” announced lead Disney Imagineer, Emma G. Nayshon. “But we believe they’re ready for something grittier, something that captures the raw excitement and authenticity of life in rural America, specifically Maine.”

The planned attraction features a multi-sensory experience designed to mimic a Maine school bus in detail, right down to the worn-out vinyl seats, juddering suspensions, and steamy windows that barely open. As the ride dips and weaves through a simulation of the treacherous Hancock County roads, passengers will feel every jolt, frost heave, and pothole.

But the landscape isn’t the only challenge riders will face. True to its real-world inspiration, “Backwoods Bus Run” will include an assortment of animatronic students, from the nerve-racking older bullies to the incessant chatter of elementary kids hopped up on Pop-Tarts.

“In ‘Backwoods Bus Run,’ the terror doesn’t come from ghosts or ghouls,” explains Nayshon. “It comes from the sudden yell of ‘QUIET DOWN!’ from the grizzled animatronic bus driver, from the thrill of dodging spitballs and the looming specter of being hit by a flung lunchbox.”

Hancock County residents, in true Maine fashion, have taken the news with a chuckle and a shake of the head. Veteran bus driver Earl O’Connor mused, “Who’d have thought the rest of the world would be lining up to get the living daylights scared out of them by some everyday Maine thing?”

Disney World anticipates the opening of “Backwoods Bus Run: Maine Morning Misery” in the next 12-18 months. As the news spreads, locals can be seen sporting bemused smiles, muttering the quintessential Maine wisdom, “It’s a wicked world out there, but it’s even wickeder on a Maine school bus.”

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