May 23, 2024
Winner: Best Portland on the East Coast -- Portland, Maine

Winner: Best Portland on the East Coast -- Portland, Maine

East Coast Portland Revels in Victory While West Coast Counterpart Left Lamenting “But We’re Not Even On the East Coast!”

PORTLAND, Maine – In a surprising turn of events, the coastal gem of Portland, Maine has been awarded the prestigious title of “Best Portland on the East Coast,” leaving its West Coast counterpart, Portland, Oregon, utterly flabbergasted and empty-handed.

The award, presented by the tongue-in-cheek Society for Clever City Comparisons (SCCC), was announced last night during a virtual ceremony that drew thousands of viewers from both East and West Coast Portlands, each vying for the top spot.

“We’re absolutely thrilled with this recognition,” said Portland, Maine Mayor Rosalyn Portamer. “We always knew we had something special here in our little corner of the East Coast. We’re just glad the rest of the world is finally taking notice.”

As the city of Portland, Maine prepares to bask in the glory of their newfound fame, the citizens of Portland, Oregon are left scratching their heads and wondering how they ended up in the running for an East Coast award in the first place.

“It’s honestly baffling,” remarked Portland, Oregon Mayor Taylor Matthews. “I mean, we’re not even on the East Coast! Sure, we’ve got our fair share of flannel and locally-roasted coffee, but last I checked, that didn’t qualify us for any Atlantic-based accolades.”

The Society for Clever City Comparisons has remained unapologetically cheeky about the situation. In an official statement, they said, “While we understand Portland, Oregon’s confusion, we felt it was important to recognize the superior Portland on the East Coast. After all, the world needs to know which Portland is the best Portland, right? We encourage Portland, Oregon to try their hand later this year in the ‘Best Portland on the West Coast’ competition.”

In response to the controversial award, both cities have decided to embrace their unique attributes, launching a friendly competition between the two. Locals from each city have taken to social media, posting photos and videos highlighting their respective Portland’s offerings, using the hashtags #EastCoastPortland and #WestCoastPortland.

Some residents have even suggested an annual “Portland-off” event, where the two cities would compete in various categories, such as “Most Microbreweries per Square Mile,” “Best Lobster Roll vs. Vegan Donut Showdown,” and “Most Hipsters in a Single Coffee Shop.”

Despite the lighthearted nature of the award, it has succeeded in drawing attention to the many charms and quirks of both cities. Whether you prefer the quaint seaside allure of Portland, Maine, or the vibrant art scene and lush forests of Portland, Oregon, one thing is clear: there’s never been a better time to be a Portlander, no matter which coast you call home.

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